ADHD is bringing out the best in me

Part I: The creep

“Why isn’t it sinking in? This is my passion. Why can’t I focus?”

That’s me, sitting in my university recording studio. It’s the second year of my music technology degree and I’m ‘listening’ to my tutor talk about something. 

I say something because whatever he’s teaching us would probably benefit me. 

Something that, if I could just focus, could be a step towards better things. If I could just focus.. …I could be a studio engineer. Maybe even a record producer. 

Nope.

Can’t. Focus. 

No matter how important the present moment is. My mind is already onto the next thing:

Girls. How much I hate my weekend job. How, at 18, I still feel like a child. 

Of course, none of this matters right now. What does matter is listening to my tutor. Learning about whatever something he’s talking about, and becoming the next Rick Rubin.

Nope. 

I leave Uni with a 2:2, and spoiler alert -  I do not become a famous record producer. 

My friend, a masters student turned lecturer, informs me “Dr Dave said you could have done so much better if you’d just talked to him. If you’d focused a little more.

Dr Dave was the head of music at my university. Dr Dave was right.

Part II: Lily pads

After that, nothing and everything happened.

I saved up and moved to the city. Sure I made friends, had relationships and played in bands - but as the years rolled by, I realised my university experience was the first of many ‘lily pads’ I’d leap from.

Lily pads? 

Well - where other folks my age had well-paying careers, I leapt from job to job.

I’d start a new role, get invested and tell myself “this is the one”. Then my focus would wane. My attention to detail would fizzle. Basically I’d slap an invisible label on my forehead that read ‘Not much use to anyone’. Then before I got the boot, I’d jump to the next thing.

This happened for 15 years. 15 sodding years of jumping around, not establishing any type of career and wearing myself out. 

“You’re lazy. I’d tell myself. How do you manage to do this time and time again?!”

“People take a chance on you and it always ends the same way…”

I said things like this to myself everyday. Cruel, sh*tty things that, had I been talking to someone else, they’d have smacked me in the mouth.

I just couldn’t understand how I could be like this. My parents were both hard workers and I felt like they’d instilled those values into my brother and I. He was a joiner and busted his butt to provide for his family - so why couldn’t I get a grip?

My breaking point came in 2022. 

Alongside part-time copywriting projects, I was finally working a job I loved, writing online learning material. This was the one - writing every day, while working with a bunch of uber-talented creatives. More than that, I felt like I finally fit somewhere. These were my people.

But I could feel the creep. The attention to detail slipping. Overwhelm. Panic.

“Here we go again.”

My boss, one of the more compassionate leaders I’d had, asked if I was struggling. She was kind, but I could see where this was heading. 

“No! “

I didn’t want this to be another lily pad. I liked this job and I’d be damned if my lack of focus was going to spoil it again. I needed to figure this sh*t out.

Part III: How did I even get here?

Now, I can’t pretend there was a grand moment of realisation. To be honest, I barely recall the reason for what I did next. 

In previous months I’d chatted to a close friend about feeling distant, unable to focus - even on the things I loved. These were casual conversations though. Nothing that would prompt a GP call. But here I was, at my lowest point, picking up the phone and dialling.

“Hello, I’ve been thinking this over, and I’d like to know how to find out if I have ADHD.”

The world slowed down for a minute. Why was I asking my doctor about this? Surely it was a stretch to even consider that…

“You just need to fill this form in and send it off to {insert email address here}. You’ll be put on a waiting list and when you get to the top you’ll be eligible for diagnosis.” 

Oh.

Part IV: The big reveal

• Within 4 months I reached the top of the list.

• 1 month later I was diagnosed with ADHD.

• A fortnight after that, I began titration for ADHD medication.

Take a look at the timeline. Less than 6 months. I was stunned. Imagine the possibilities if you’d gotten around to this soone…

Don’t.

Since then, I’ve made friends who’ve shared similar journeys. Similar guilt. Similar anger over not being able to grasp why they were ‘this way’.

It’s been refreshing to hear stories, laugh about the quirks of the condition, and play the ‘what if game’. That kind of thing.

A common thread I’ve found among late-diagnosed ADHD-ers is regret. The things they could have achieved if they’d known sooner. And yeah, every now and again, I feel it. I think about where I’d be if I could have just locked in on that ‘something’ back in the recording studio.

Most days it doesn’t bother me though. 

I just try to be a little kinder to myself.

Part VI: Affirmation

I feel grateful. Some people likely go through life never knowing. Talking down to themselves. Writing themselves off. 

Sure, it took 37 years, but was it worth it? Absolutely.

I see my diagnosis, not as a badge that says “I’m ADHD - you can’t blame me for all the weird sh*t I do”  - but as an affirmation for myself. Clarity around the way my mind works. A slow removal of the ‘you’re so lazys’. Hope.